A friend in need :) :)

someday i was just sittin der...a bit depressed...so i scribbled this...(inspired by some poem of Coleridge...i guess!?!) neway...haa so i wrote dis(the following :P) and asked my friend(rohit kshirsagar) to go thru...here it goes..

how if i sleep,
and then i dream...
what if i dream of a dream which never will come true,
(don temme there is no such dream wch can never come true....i really have a few of 'em!)
what do u think i should feel after realizing
that that dream wont b fulfilled
should i depress myself?!?
is that under my control?
is that a choice??
No! its not...
Still i dream...Still i sleep :)

and see how he replied me back on this:) :) :)

there will be never a dream
which i dream,n' it wont come true!
no matter what says the oracle,
i shall always strive
and b a miracle!

that really was so touching..so soothing...B a miracle he said :D
bro says that too :D

Bringing God home…

This time none of my brothers were here on Ganesh chaturthi (missing them all)so I was to bring Ganesha home :). It’s a different feeling when Ganpati is at home. All members get together at the morning and dusk time to do all the puja and aarti. It’s a different environment in home after the puja is done….the aroma of agarbattis and kaapur all around gives me a feeling of peacefulness.
This time I will pray to God………no demands this time God... I will pray because I have faith in u…I will pray because I want to tell u that I respect u despite of the fact that I loathe getting up and lighting up the niraanjan in the evening everyday, but does that mean I am an atheist? No! Am not! I do believe that there is some superpower which controls everything that happens. There has to be someone who makes all the gearshifts. I believe that that someone is Him. And He is only one. If different religions say they all have different Gods and that their life is controlled by different hegemonic powers they are all wrong. There is only one supremacy. Give him any hypothetical name like we give names to different variables while solving linear equations in maths! The numeric value of the answer will remain the same no matter what name you give to the variable while solving……likewise no matter what name u give to Him,he will remain the same. Call Him Allah, Jesus, Ram, or whatever you want. Just believe in Him and do not create a fuss and discrimination on this basis. If sometime I come up with the idea that I believe my God is some arbit xyz ,would that mean I have a different religion? Harmony and integrity is one thing I wish to ascertain. Anyway this time i I have promised that I wont ask Him for something so I will try to find an answer to it myself :). I surely will. Till then keep bellowing…Ganpati bappa..MORYA…mangal murti MORYA.

A Dossier On My First Ever Trek…

I read about a trek being organized by this reputed government organization called ‘Youth Hostel’ in the daily news-paper(the best part is it runs on a ‘no profit no loss’ term). The trekking troop was to explore the mountains of Amargarh(an undiscovered yet a beautiful locale). The idea of trekking and roaming around in woods has always enthralled me. So I decided to go. None of my friends agreed to come along inspite of my beseeching and all. So I was kind of thinking if I would enjoy it. But I did enjoy it a lot. All I had to do was to get the membership card(membership fees is Rs 50 only!!that’s nominal man)and the amount to be paid for the trek was Rs 150….they provided us breakfast and snacks and lunch and chocolates everything. I had the list of things…a raincoat(it was rainy that day)[no one except me was carrying it though!] and a two liter water bottle and that’s that. But for my own sake, I took my camera(forgot the role at home…sheee), my mouth organ and my sketch book with me. Not that I don’t regret lugging it all. Afterall, it was a TREK!! Still I did pertinently use it when came the resting time;)
So! I started at 7 in the morning, reached Youth Hostel. Met ,as you may call it, my journey-mates. I unfortunately talked to two Sindhi girls first who I could neither chuck out nor could bear with their silly talks (uufff) only because they showed me care and were actually being kind to me : ). We waited there for some time then had our breakfast. By this time the ramshackle bus was ready to go…so was the group.
From Youth Hostel to Amargarh its about 55 km I guess. Took us little sometime to reach there. Got down where our trek started. Before that we were given our food packets…so I had to carry that too in addition to all the useless stuff I already had with me.
Walking in the forest was such a feeling. We walked until we saw a bantam waterfall. Crossing it was a bit..only a bit difficult but quite enjoyable. After crossing it sat on a rock where I sketched something and also played mouth organ on demand :D. Soon we were made to get up and move by the organizer Mr. Sanjay Madhup and we with a mixed feeling of lassitude and enthusiasm, were on the track again. Here came the difficult part of the trek. The precipitous mountain slopes seemed never-ending. But the pain my legs and shoulders suffered was frivolous as the mesmeric natural beauty was all I could see and feel within. We walked on and on till the time we reached the spot where we had food. This was exquisite beauty of nature. Waterfall….ahh! I still can see it before my eyes. Whole of the group was sitting absolutely unperturbed by any worldly issue. For a moment I felt as if I were a holy woman…oopssss! girl :P. I enjoyed every single moment spent there. Then after we were in a transit between the mountains and a small village where I played with goat kids and calves (they are so very cute!!!!!). I just love animals.
It definitely was tiring but when I saw the poorly maintained road with the bus standing all set to take us back home…I felt even more spirited and also excited to get back home and tell Aaie about it. She is a true nature lover.
We were again in the bus…this time all exhausted. Still had the longing to play the amusing game of ‘Antakshari’. Each one of us enjoyed that. We were so engrossed in singing those ‘didi tera devar deewana’ typo songs that we could not even know we were back to the place where the trek had started.
Time to say goodbye to the sweet and enthusiast group. Took an auto-rikshaw paid him Rs 20 after a lot of haggling. He dropped me home…and yeah here I am again vivacious and waiting to get another such opportunity :)

Forlorn me...

Sometimes when I m alone
I cry because I m on my own
The tears I cry are bitter and warm
They flow with life but take no form
I cry because i am worn out am torn
and I find it difficult to carry on...
If I had an ear to confide in
I would cry among my treasured friends
But who do u know that stops that long
to help another carry on..!
The world moves fast and it would rather pass u by
than to stop and see what makes u cry
It's painful and sad and sometimes I cry and no one cares about why?
no one cares about why :'(

If only 'was' were 'is'...

Sometimes I just sit back on my armchair placed usefully in the beautiful gallery of my house ,on the top floor(9th floor that is)….look around ,appreciate the greenery of the city. Then I see the serene ‘birla mandir’ ,adore its architecture(not very complex but still good to look at) and inexorably start thinking about the way life goes…
Life is crazy. It makes things happen in such a way that I cannot regret nor can I cherish it all at once. I actually wanted to scribble something about baba(my dad)n that was the main purpose I started writing .So I hereby write n thus try to recall the share of all good and bad memories associated with my dad. We used to live in merely a district called ‘Jhabua’ initially. Jhabua is the place I’d always want to visit. The home there was so good……we had a swing at home…a big backyard where aaie had planted 50 rose plants ,many other plants ,and those two mango trees I can never forget! I had pets…white mouse ,rabbits(4,who had increased the number to around 12) ,parrots ,love birds(6) ,and ‘Bhola’ and ‘Bholi’….bhola was a dog n bholi his partner…they were all like family members…especially bhola…he was so expressive. Him and bholi used to almost fight with us(me n bala)to stay close to aaie! They would snatch an egg from me but when with aaie would kind of please her to give it to them…bhola was really what his name said…’bhola’ and ‘bhondu’ sometimes…bholi was a bit sharp…but cute…Bhola was with us for 7 years(bholi died soon…4 years of age). Its birthday was same as mine……and death was 6th October……both of them used to chase the other dogs of our colony…! It was so much fun watching them irritate other dogs with a joint effort. I miss bhola terribly. I completed my primary education there itself. Then baba got transferred to another place ‘Neemuch’. It was better than Jhabua in almost all aspects. A bigger city, more densely populated, better educational institutes, it was only climate-wise a little retrograde as compared to Jhabua. My school had changed and so had my grades. I must say my brother(Bala..his nick name)helped me improve a lot. He has always been there to encourage me when I loose hope and I am sure he will always be there besides me to catch me wherever I stumble. When bala decided to go to Kota(to take up coaching for JEE) I was again bad in school performances…it took some time to again perform a little better…but I knew I had no other way out…I had to do it on my own…and I did it to some extent. Heheh when I started getting involved in the school activities and eventually started liking the school and friends there…baba again got transferred, this time to Bhopal. It’s the best amongst the three places where we stayed. When baba was here, aaie(mom) and I had to stay there in Neemuch for a few months initially..and bala was there in Kota itself..preparing hard for IIT JEE. Almost the time when aaie and I were to leave Neemuch, bala was to give the entrance exam finally. It went well. T’was the time to search results through the internet. We were all so surprised to find out that he had actually made it into IIT mains and that too with a very good rank. My aji(grandma) was not surprised…she said she knew he’d get through…it was water clear!! My aji is someone who has always had so much faith and belief in every member of the family…and she is probably the reason why we still exist in a joint family. Baba was so very happy that he could have distributed sweets all over India! We were all so happy. But why does it happen that there are 10 sad moments after a single happy moment. That’s what we call life!
My family forms the most beautiful part of my life. My mom, my brother and memories of my dad. Other family members like my uncles and aunts have always been there to support and strengthen all decisions aaie made…a few make exceptions though. But it never happened that we did not get the family support. And yes how can I forget my cousins…about 14 cousins. They are all so caring (and so intelinside L all have made it into national level institutes…and now is my turn to appear for competitives…gawd help!!)
My mom had to make such great sacrifices for us that even if I now try to thank her I will be at a loss for words. She had to pare down her requirements, her dreams to fulfill those of mine. If ever God blesses me with a girl child, I’d want her to be like my mom. So caring, so beautiful, so intelligent, so motherly, such a great decision maker…oh I can go on adding adjectives that it will take me next few days to complete! I can claim my mom to be the best mother (bestestttt!!) ever existed on this holy place called earth. She could play all the roles in a family. Being a mother she was successful, being a wife she was I should say more than successful, being a daughter again she is looking after her parents and has already made them proud by performing well in all facets of life…
My brother, he is someone I really respect…I really love. Whenever I went weak, whenever I felt sad, whenever I was upset I always found him there to encourage and cheer me up. It is mostly because of him that I am what I am today. He is an ideal son ,an ideal brother and I may say an ideal human. How difficult the situation may b he would never be confused…he has this great ability to not loose his cool anytime. He understands the need of the situation so well and reacts so perfectly to everything. He has had a hard time in life……although the conditions for me and him were almost the same but he had been strong enough to put us through all that, I was not. The most efficient guy on the earth is my own brother(makes me proud J). He would not keep saying things for sake…actions speak for him. Give him any work he’d enjoy it to the fullest and the outcome would always be prodigious. He would put his sincerest efforts even if he is asked to clean up the kitchen! He has got a profound persona…and has always been popular amongst friends for his all round performance……oh how I wish I were still staying with him…now that he has got a job he is in Bangalore…miles away from Bhopal L. What I find is he is vehemently inspired by my dad…
My dad, he is the one I miss the most in my life. I always loathed upon his saws and now when he is not here to tell me things I realize how true those sayings were. Its been almost 4 years now he is not physically present with us(I am sure he is watching his family from wherever he is now). Won't I ever see him again??? Not even for a second? I wish I had a little time more that I could spend with him…there was so much to learn…there was so much to b happy about…such an esteemed soul he was. He had such great qualities…which I see now…which I could not make out earlier when I had a chance.
Okay I will start it this way……(hey readers…close the page if it bores you up…its not for you m writing anyway…its just the beginning!!!)
He was born in a joint family in Dhar ,a district in Madhya Pradesh. He too like me..loved his dad. Say it a tradition now, cause he too lost his dad when he was quite young. He was brought up in a good environment (credit goes to aji). He was fond of gardening ,body building(!!)(he was the weight lifting champ :D). I must say he was the most systematic and clean man anyone could ever find. You would never have found even a single pair of shoes ,out of almost 50 pairs(!) ,out of its place. He was fond of different kinds of dresses…he had so many suits…around 20……each kept neatly. Used to look so dashing.... I am so sure when he was in college all girls would have gone bananas for him ;). Oh yes….my parents’ was a love marriage…how they both cared for each other. Makes me wonder sometimes…why it had to happen to my mommy…she has always been the one who had to face all the adversities. I just wish I was an angel and I could make all the pains vanish….how I wish!
Baba could have been the superhuman of today’s world…he had all those qualities. Efficiency was splendid ,he could work continuously for 20 hours a day ,he was hard working ,he was a good human ,a self-made man ,he was sensitive…he ‘was’…………if only I could write ‘is’…
But all those qualities of a superhuman were overshadowed by a single wont…what had merely started as a social praxis had become a regular one…and it ruined his life ,our life. Alcohol ,it is the word that makes me tremble (for I fear it and it makes me angry at the same time). I saw my dad become an alcoholic and I couldn’t help…not that I did not try to preclude it…I failed miserably. Aaie tried every damn way to get him out of it. Bala put in his everything to keep us united(he succeeded) and he has done more than anyone would ever know. But I have now grown up to believe that some things in life are controlled by destiny. It makes me sick…but there is not much I can do. All I do is dance to the tunes of life…
Alcoholism had got him into a bipolar disorder. If a person is patient of bipolar ,he suffers two extreme phases and the middle phase is a bit mild. All the year along patient will not behave normally…a few months of hyperactivity…then middle phase..where he seems to b normal…then again a few months of depression. God I don’t want to recall it…I’d better stop it here.